MY RETURN TO GOD

 

I have chosen to enter into the life of the Catholic church because I have been called back to our Lord & Savior’s arms. I wish to reaffirm my relationship, praise and honor Him. He is my only path to salvation and everlasting life. 

My life with Jesus began when I was very young, Baptized and Confirmed in the Episcopalian Church, or “The Church of England”. This of course was not by choice and my Mother, being raised Catholic herself, did not choose this for me, my stepmother did. I however was obedient and loved Jesus just the same.

I loved going to church, I sang in the choir, was an Alter Girl and prayed day and night. I often thought of becoming a Nun as a child but knew that there was no such thing in the Episcopal church and was too afraid to ask to change.

As time went by and I grew up my world view changed, many things happened in my own personal world that kept me from Jesus. With that I began to sin, parties, premarital sex, alcohol, drugs, etc. I felt His presence and I knew what I was doing was wrong but because of all the horrible things that had happened I didn’t think it mattered. How could such a loving God allow horrible things to happen to His children and if He loved me so much why would He have allowed me to suffer as He did, I was just a child.

Years went by, I fell in love and had my first-born child out of wedlock. Not only did I love my son’s father with all my heart, but I loved this child like I have never loved anyone before. Within 2 months of his birth, I lost him to SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) and I became extremely angry with God.

Haven’t I been through enough in my life? No, I wasn’t perfect, and I sinned like so many others do but I didn’t deserve this. I thought to myself, “There are so many people in this world who are far worse than I am who doesn’t deserve children”. People who steal, rape, kill, cheat and get away with it, have a good life and children. Where is their punishment? From that moment on I completely closed the door on Jesus and walked away from my faith.

Since then, I have had my ups and downs and was blessed with two more children. Been divorced but found love again and remarried. I have beautiful grandchildren and once again fell in love with them more than I did with my own children.

Now, my husband of 14 years, has been diagnosed with End Stage Renal Failure due to type 2 diabetes. I have been fighting my own body since 2016. GI and lung issues, multiple autoimmune & rare disorders, rapid hearing and vision loss and the hits just keep on coming. Then a few years ago I felt this pull, it was a pull I hadn’t felt since I was a child. I knew what it was, but I wanted to ignore it, so I did. Why would I want anything to do with such a “Loving God” when I spent most of my life suffering? Little by little things would appear, posts I’d see on Facebook, things on the news, people who have come back into my life and just these overwhelming feeling I would get.

I stopped one day and thought to myself, not only do I want and need Jesus back into my life, but He wants me too. This is where I need to go back about 20+ years, try to keep up.

20+ years ago, my life was at a crossroad, I was searching for answers to the “WHY” in life and started studying other religions such as “Wicca” or “Witchcraft”. No, I didn’t find the answers I was looking for and things just seemed to continue to get worse. A couple of years ago when I started feeling that pull is the same time, I gave up searching and stopped messing with Witchcraft.

All that hate, anger and darkness I had inside of me was blocking the light of Jesus and once I got rid of it He reached in and took me into his arms. I can look back 14 years ago and see that from the moment I met the man I am in love with and married to now was the beginning of my Journey back to God. My husband is Catholic, born and raised but also has been away from the church for many years. There is a part of me that just knows his Mom & my Mom had a little something to do with all this as well.

My outlook on things past and present have changed, I am more accepting, and I know whatever lies ahead I will have our Holy Mother Mary, our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit and all the Apostles by my side. Jesus can take the wheel and drive me the rest of the way because it is his will.