Thursday, September 12, 2019

LIFTING THE BURDEN


It was not my plan so early in my life to become a burden to my family and friends. I did not ask to become incurable; I did not ask to be constantly sick and in pain. I planned on working hard, playing with my grandchildren and helping my family and being there for my friends. I had that, I had the great job, I got the business degree, I had the perfect automobile to run around with my minions and then I lost it all.

I did not do this to myself, I do not drink, I do not do drugs either so why did this have to happen to me? All I want now is to no longer be a burden to anyone, make their lives easier by me no longer being in it. You may think this is selfish of me, it is not because my death is inevitable anyway. No one would have to worry about me and be free to live their lives. I also wouldn't be reminded daily how much of a burden that I am. Not by everyone but those who do, it breaks my heart. My heart does not break for myself, but it breaks for them because I am causing their grief.

I am not and will not take my own life but if there is a merciful God I wish he would just let me come home.

Tuesday, August 6, 2019

THE BEGINNING OF MY JOURNEY





No truer words than the ones in the picture above, I was only 48 years old when all this started happening to me or at least started noticing something was really wrong with me. My journey actually started in 2016 when I was hospitalized with Angioneurotic edema, 2017 with inflammation of lungs and then 2018 with Diverticulosis and rectal bleeding. I continued to get sicker and got to the point where it became difficult for me to move because of joint and muscle pain/weakness. October 2018 I was let go from my job at Grainger, they could no longer hold my job and at that point my health kept declining. November 2018, after many doctors and specialists I got a diagnosis of Seropositive Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA), Fibromyalgia, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

March of 2019 I seen an Ophthalmologist because my vision is blurry and I have eye pain. I was diagnosed with Optical Nerve Atrophy, the nerves in my eyes are extremely thin and was told that I am a "potential glaucoma patient". My primary doctor, who also suffers from RA, told me that I have what is called "Systemic Autoimmune Rheumatic Disease" (SARD). This means that my disease doesn't just affect my joints, it is effecting my whole body.

I am slowly losing my hearing and recently had a Brain MRI done which showed that there was nothing wrong with my auditory canal but did show White Brain Matter Disease suggestive of microvascular ischemic disease or old demyelinating disease. Which explains my constant dizziness, balance issues, cognitive, tremors, and speech problems. I have to get a second opinion because my current neurologist doesn't think it's an issue.

Through all the medical issues I have I also am having financial problems. I won't start back to work for Swiss Colony until September 28, 2019 if I'm able to, depends on what my body will allow me to do. I am fighting for my Social Security, I have Becker Law out of Madison, WI working on the case and I am thankful to have Senator Tammy Baldwin's office assisting me as well. My unemployment has ran out and in Wisconsin there isn't an extension.

The constant stress, depression and anxiety that I am under trying to maintain what little I have left is not doing my body any good, it is actually making my disease progression worse. I am always trying to figure out how to pay my bills, pay the co-pays for my medications and take care of my furbabies. I also know I will never be the same person I was 4-5 years ago and my body has failed me so many times I now have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I get horrible panic attacks when I have to leave the house or when I start feeling dizzy because of episodes I have had which left me unable to move or see straight.

I have chosen to write my story here and to reach out to everyone for help.  I do not know how long it will take for Social Security to get approved and I don't even know if I will be able to hold down a job. Whatever you are able to help me with will be much appreciated, I am in dire need of help. Here is a link to my Paypal account I will make sure it is on every page of my blog.